Friday, December 13, 2013

Lol, a very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari

He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report.

Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "All you care about is money and your possessions."

The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down.

"Hear me out...see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm."

"Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha,where's your arm,lawyer?

Friday, December 6, 2013

Salary raise!EPIC

My maid wanted a salary raise.
I asked for 3 reasons on why she deserved a raise.
Maid: I can cook better than you.
Me: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told Me!
Me: Ok, second reason?
Maid: I can iron Better than you.
Me: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me.
Me: Ok, and the third reason?
Maid: I am also Better in bed than you! This time I got very mad & was getting ready to break her head. I asked, Did my husband say that?
Maid: No, your driver told me that I'm better in bed than you are.
Me: Please lower your voice. I will increase your salary....

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


Dear Wife,

 I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. 

These last 2 weeks have been hell.Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. 

Your EX-Husband
 (P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!)



 Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. 

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. 

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. 

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. 

Your Ex-Wife, 
Rich As Hell & Free!

( P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem. )